The Love of My Life (and other furry animals)

This evening marks the four week anniversary to the day of my arrival to this wondrous land. Some of you may think it rather poignant that I have chosen today to write this post, those amongst you who know any better are aware that I've been too busy trying to achieve this. And failing miserably. Interestingly enough, that link is one of only 4 bookmarks on my Google Chrome.

Here is an assortment of things I have done (roughly) chronologically pre and post repatriation.

1. Morgan, Jason and I did something no man shall ever again achieve without incurring a high risk of heart disease and ate our way through realistically six times the average serving of Korean Barbeque. Though the last mango and sticky rice made the shine leave Morgan's eyes despite the recommended mint ice-cream palate cleanser, plans are in the pipeline for a plaque to be erected on Nathan Rd. where we crawled, dribbling, onto a bus bound for Lee On.

2. Glenda took me to see Hong Kong. Two years late, but I did appreciate it. There was plenty of food involved in that too. Sticky photos made me a little overexcited.

3. I went to the absolute back arse of an tSín. Like, Tajikistan way. 33 train tickets and a motley crew of Dilene, Halfdan, Adam and I left Hong Kong and returned sans tickets and Halfdan. We saw some yaks, ate our weight in lamb fat (excluding Dilly; she's a vegan with her own hemp footwear range), were almost always (in my eyes) excruciatingly late for trains (so much so that once when myself and Dilene were happily smug in our carriage whilst the rest bought noodles at the pace of a latino - surprisingly with only one present in the form of Pao - I almost wanted them to miss it for schadenfreude-y purposes), flew a beautiful kite called Mr./Mrs. Happy (depending on your take on gender constructs), sang a horrific rendition of Óró Sé Do Bheatha Bhaile in a strange Tibetan hostel 3000m above sea level amidst drunken Tibetan chanting, got ripped off by a baller in a yellow shirt with a popped collar and a smoking rate of 4 a minute, played Counter Strike in a smoke filled cavern of death, coconut juice, bitchslayers and G.Daddy Halfi's, wound up in the dodgiest amusement park the world has ever known (the one that sometimes comes to Gowran is like Oakwood in comparison), became the face of Urumqi Vogue following an impromptu photoshoot in the park and almost bought a burqa for Parker. 

4. Had Anna come to visit. Despite woe-filled tales of rain and depression, we actually had an incredibly pleasant time, much to the disappointment of my love of self (and country)-deprecation. There was drinking on the 'nal, cartoned white wine to Fergie's Glamorous on the beach, and a visit to the Natural History Museum Dead Zoo where we found a melodramatic bat and a couple of sloths. 

5. Went to Body and Soul avec le Morg. Interacted on a personal level with (read: groped/waved deliriously at) Wallis Bird, SOLANGE (that's only a few strands of DNA from Queen B and upping the cool stakes), Nick Cave, and the love of my life, David Kitt whom I got to sign a ratty napkin with "KITTSER MY CAMERA WAS STOLEN WILL YOU SHIFT ME?" written on it. He gave me the greatest hug and signed it with "big shifts, kittser xxx" so I reckon I have a massively decent chance when he comes to Kilkenny. Also met Longford's self-proclaimed greatest Nick Cave fan who was a bit Paolo Nutini-esque, enjoyed saying "unreal" and accidentally got me drunk on something out of a plastic bottle.

6. Became opinionated on the abortion bill. Sorry but if a woman can't get urgent medical treatment that might affect her fetus because both of their lives are worth the same then surely it's worse if two lives are lost as opposed to just one.

7. Rediscovered the rabbits. Some say they will outlast even cockroaches in the event of a nuclear fallout. All I know is that I think we've had them since I was in fifth class. Cookie (much to her disgust) has become my replacement for human contact, though it's a matter of days before she retaliates fiercely to my insistent whispering of "WHO'S MY BESTEST BUD NOW".

8. Became the proud owner of a debit card. This shall be my demise. Purchases so far include Polish bus tickets and a beanbag shaped like a wombat (the second part's a lie, but the internet is such a fabulous place).

9. Abandoned blog writing in favour of tea.

Disorientation Week: take 2

I said this to someone recently, that I wasn't sure whether I was going home or leaving home, and was heartily reassured that that disorientation would affect me from now onwards. On the morn of my graduation, and second last night in school (provided I'm able to leave at all considering the fact that my clearance form has gone walkabouts), here's me summing up not just positives and negatives but the lifestyle of this 70's prison we call a school and a home, in comparison to what I remember of the home I'll be back to in two weeks.

Leaving home means no more Hui Lau Shan  Forked lighning Cockroaches in the sink  Interdorming Mosquito bites  Free hair cuts Block 3 pizza/cha siu fan Wearing only leggings Internet ban  Glenda sneezes  Pressure in the third shower  Kowloon Dairy  Stairs  Boones  Signing in and out  Jubes  Check in  Ants in the 4th toilet Walking on the grey tiles in the rain IB  Ordering in broken canto MTR  Skyscrapers  Effective public transport Free airport wifi Humidity  MOS apple pies  Living opposite a mountain  Swimming with no swimcap  Waterfall  HK City Hall Library days Wellcome  Baozi  Typhoons  Fro Yo  Chocolate powder ice-cream sauce  Red taxis  Sneaking out  Gatings  Canteen parties  Trams  Dragon boat  Cheap postage  YMCA roof  Mee & Gee atrocities Pretending to be a tourist Lung cancer  Brunch  Expats  Custard buns  Service planning  Thai curry for lunch Drinking in the street People who can dance Latinas  Paisanos  Sad nights in the library Broken curtain rails Student kitchen produce Chungking Mansions Linda e-mails (plz god) Air con 681, A41p, k807, 299, 1A  Phytoplankton  BOB Brown line Design labs La Bodega Rush at Mong Kok Worrying about Steve/Trevor/Brian being in the gym Lee On McDonalds Smirnoff Slushees Bubble Tea Annoying birds Managebac Grand dictations Condensed milk toast GIFs Travelling with Maddie In my country... Broken bikes Pacific Place toilets Egg waffles Concrete Hot rain Arrogant Frog Lino floor Angry cicadas Trevor whiteboard Mass e-mails Block 2 bench

Going home means more Baths Stocked fridges Come Dine With Me Town Reese's peanut butter cups Real milk Penney's The nal Sessions Cycling Breathable air Dore's Rabbits BBC radio 4 Putting on the dishwasher Texting Doing Clob's hair Tea (!) Bulmers Green Stir frys Getting lifts Sheep Sleep Weeding Body & Soul Rain Mint Crisp days Billy Byrnes The Rocco's/Larkin's debate Of Clody's elbow's in my tea Calling dinner tea Saying rubbers, plasters, rubbish bins, pavements America's Next Top Model Castle park Curry chips Dip dabs Shifting, less making out Arts Festival Langers and lickdipses Eating bread rolls whilst going round Supervalu Tracy's treehouse Shops closing at 6 Top 40 Oifigiúil na hÉireann Sitting in a car Darkness at night Museli Leprechauns Talking in tea rooms God awful attempts at customising clothes Ditto going to the gym Dressing gowns Camping It being hotter inside than outside Muller corners Privacy Records Chapattis Scacraicbant Badedas Stars Jenkinstown Picnics outta Dunnes New socks Boredom Sitting by the old pool eating Dominos' meateor Downloading films Sue Ryder shop Poulanassy Loud music Bedroom dancing Jaffa cakes G.O.L.D. Flash animation Hoovering Parents BBQ Hula Hoops Beat the bomb Change in jellies Regularly washed clothes Time for Soggy Twiglets?

Digressing through Cows

For some reason (most likely the alignment of the stars) I have had many run ins with cows lately. 

To start with, in the boglands of Hong Kong where I currently reside, cows roam free, terrorising neighbourhoods derping around. I bumped into one the other day milling about in Sai Kung around a BBQ site licking a disgruntled dog. Warned as ever by the adverts on the 299 bus from Sha Tin to Sai Kung not to interfere, I was unable to have as interesting an interaction as the dog was having but merely enjoyed the presence of such an ethereal beast. To say they reminded me of home (or at least every second journey down the Grovine East road) would be a lie as they're not fresian.

My second incident occured one night in the common room as the motley crew of myself, Shira, Morgan, Sam tried and failed to load School Of Rock and were treated instead to Shira's very own personal youtube favourites. This has snuck into my top 10 at least, following two camels in a tiny car (best use of 17 seconds of one's life).

The third was at the art exhibition last week when Jayla made all this funky art with cows like turning Jason into a cow and stuff. I'm not any good at reworking candidate statements but the theme was totes deep and made me appreciate Hong Kong cows on a more contemplative level. I bought a 1x2m Andy Warhol-y wallpaper on foam for 100HKD before worrying about how to transport it home or how to utilise it at home. Arnett outbid me the maggot. O wel it was cool (and deep ofc).

dis is another one of jayla lai's (credits: Fernanda)

Three bovine incidents may be too few to justify naming a blog post after but alas I can think of no more. I might talk about more important matters at hand, like the fact that I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL EVER AGAIN. An incredibly pleasant thought rest assured. Sentiments summed up in this here sound clip, which some of you may recognize from the infamous Potter Puppet Pals meets Eragon MS Paint Youtube series.. Only one more hump to get over now before I properly graduate but we shan't dwell on that to much. At least I succeeded in getting Dilene to wear a pink dress. #trololol #shaniwewin

u hav not been blocked lol

yeah i disabled my bookface. cause i was refreshing permanently in order to recieve a candy crush invitation from xyz and their mother. whilst i do miss uploading old Bluetones songs (LOSING A LOVERRR//GAINING A FRIEND) for little recognition but the likes of a couple of people i did a summer camp with 4 years ago and checking out how hawt i am in recently uploaded photos and wondering if the nipple-piercing cat as my cover photo needs replacing (or reinstating for that matter) here are some things i have been up to as y'all worried about why i didnt like you anymore.

1) leaving fb has given me more time to google things such as "pattern for a mint green faux fur cape", "how to wash silk" and "bad prom outfits"

2) clodagh (my dearest darlingest sister) made me get kik so now i send her ugly selfies of me in awkward clothes and spam her with things about my life and she sits around being embarrassed. normality restoring itself

3) i have been dropping my ipod in the canteen toilets. luckily the apple store peeps threw a brand new shiny one my way for a nominal fee after i withdrew it from my portable bag of rice failsafe

4) finishing high school AW YISS PENULTIMATE FRIDAY IS OVER one week of school left ever in the whole history of ever. to prove it here is my yearbook square

5) tidying my room and studying at my desk. that happened once. there are no photos.

so all of you sad peeps with nada to do you can catch me on le skype (hannahcantread) or kik (lol i'm so hip i cant even remember my username) or bum a letter my way cause that would be nice tho in fairness by the time it comes i will have probably returned to facebook in order to post this to boost pageviews.

They call it stormy Monday (but Tuesday's just as bad)

A thundery day and no dragon boat means that I feel obliged to provide you all with a nugget of my life as of late.

Saturday got off to a bad start. 6 hours of extended coral monitoring service planning with Linda congealed-coffee-n-toast-in-the-bottom-of-a-stainless-steel-industrial-sink-breath was enough to have me despairing. Luckily Paolina had asked me over to dinner at her house so there was at least something worth living for. I set off a few hours early to central to give myself time to bum around and get lost somewhere, which I did very well, after tramming from Wanchai to the Sheung Wan side of Central I ended up a few hours later in a small park behind a rehabilitation hospital watching french kids on a climbing frame and gorging myself on mangosteens that I'd found someone selling in one of those alleyway fruit stalls. The sun was setting and there feck tons of bauhinia around and it was just generally nice. I took photos but because I'm a blatant non-conformist I will have to get them developed at a later date rather than zap them online when required. I then had to run back to central in my slightly too small boots and borrow someone's phone. Fairly hard to do, but after nervously asking my 5th older-white-woman-mother-type (nabbed outside Baby Gap) I was handed one of those Samsung tablet things which I had to hold with two hands. Eventually I met Pao and Ana in the bus terminus and we headed all the way out and played too much Dance Dance Revolution (Ana and I won) and ate muchos deliciouso Brazilian food. At 9ish I pulled a Cinderella to go back to campus for an epic St Paddy's celebration and ended up being 40 minutes late to my own party but bearing a bottle of Guinness and 6 cans of Breda (all of which cost less than the Guinness...) to make up for it. Greened out and occupying Laura's double bed we listened to Wallis until Dilene's superior music taste won over (hem hem). Shortly before the laptop was taken there were some excellent selfies taken. A few hours of acting the maggot on campus later and all of us ending up on the road outside block four, we bid each other adieu and got some kip.

Sunday started off slowly, and was consequently interspersed with apathy, attempts at study, disgusting chicken pies, painstaking journeys to Wellcome to feed Colombians grapefruit, and an existential debate on Wu Kai Sha beach with Heather - not forgetting the existential selfies and existential chocolate milk to go along with it. Following beach time was an angry dinner - surprised by lack of fries I had about 2 forkfuls of a dreadful carbonara before hosting Voice Jeopardy with Campbell. Less dreadful than imagined and Chris (that sweet  nonthreatening passive Canadian kid) was there and squirming about not being a coral monitor so that was enjoyable to watch. Tar éis é sin I collected a few vagabonds to film the promo video for the 80s café this weekend. Kids in America, Take On Me, Physical + the greatest selection of mine and Morgan's fabulous clothes led to this piece of cinematic genius. 

Monday I woke up feeling miserable, went to class feeling miserable, wore miserable clothes, had a miserable rage n' Nirvana filled free block, had poisonous classes and generally felt miserable. In such instances I often turn to the pool for comfort, and ended up staying for 2 hours bombing up and down. Only 5 seconds off my pb in 50 free and hoping to reach it again before summer. Service planning was painful, Steve's quan cai leadership workshop was enough to make me top myself, and then peer support was fairly nice in Michele's flat with choccy biccies. After check in I had unmiserablefying cake with Glenda 'cause she's an angel and then did some Chinese oral stuff with Mia "Zhongguo" Thayer following which we both plonked ourselves in blk 4 dayroom for a bit. Parker was overexcited about it becoming the place to be again so maybe we should crush those hopes. I went back to my room and got reading Ulysses on the Kindle (ta daddy), though I'm at a Stephan Dedalus consciousness part and that is no where near as fun as when it's Bloom's consciousness (#bloom4lyf).

Tuesday began slightly better, perhaps because I forwent my angsty get up of sweatpants and an ugly jumper and wore a 2pac headband (as well as clothes). My practice chinese oral went fairly well despite me dwindling down to "我的...eh...房间...是红色...ehhh...因此....我.....我...喜欢看书?" at one point. Watching Food Inc. in Geography meant that I was unable to eat anything in the canteen that may have been meat, corn or homogenised. I had a glass of water. And eventually gave in to some mashed potato. Got a parcel after school, had a guilt free entire easter egg (guilt free because of the promise of intense dragon boat training) and then set off to dragon boat. Once all 7 (!) of us had arrived at the beach the thunder and lightening started and so we were turned away. 

And so I chilled out to The National and Jape and the T-Bone Walker song which lends its name to this blog title and ate Creme Eggs and drank out of my new Shamrock mug and read the Sunday Times Style magazine. 

And I wrote this. Huzzah.

Vomming Up Chocolate Rabbits

Washed my hands of mocks with the passing of maths paper two (which, thanks to a reclaimed yoga-come-geography room and a shoeless co-year went better than expected) on Wednesday at 10:33am. Roughly. Though having intended to run away to central as soon as permissible, I decided to charge my iPod and wait for free lunch first. 

Then I ran away to Mong Kok, and bought 4 shirts, each more garish than the last, a pair of boots that were slightly too small and made for a petite Italian man but totes fab nonetheless and a skirt or two. Boots aside, all that was about a fiver (yoyos wise). All to that "Mojo presents...Beloved" compilation CD dad got free a few years ago. Got a black and white film (cause I'm really hip) from SimCity, that great 5 story eclectic emporium of camera shops and sex shops. And an egg waffle. Bumming around MK was much overdue, though the humidity is picking up and I got dripped on a fair few times by those mirthless aircons. 

I got back to school fairly early (about 4ish) then went on a friend hunt, sequentially by room of course: Paloma, Lau, Beata, Dilly - until finally I had to settle for Hetzy, comatose on her bed. We made it to Ma On Shan, I had another of those heavenly HK$8 apple pies. And mango sago. Went to the promenade, were mega deep then walked back to school. I picked up a parcel from the general office with seconds to go before uploading the Nigerian CD it contained and devouring the contents (namely a chocolate bunny wabwab) over an erratic putlocker Juno. If you, as I, have not seen it since bebo was still a thing then go watch it. Morgan interrupted halfway through to deal with the realisation that she is becoming slowly more and more bitter. We listened to the soundtrack and moaned together. I lent her the Bart Simpson jumper to cheer her up.

After check in (with 15 minutes of Juno to go) I went to the gym where all of the post-mocks chub second years were de-chubbing with varying success. No lie there were about 15 people in there. Unfortunately after 20 odd minutes of girly cardio, I went to get a glass of water downstairs and vommed up a chocolate wabbit. Pleasant. I decided to call it a day and mooched back to ma chambre, until I decided that I had not quite satisfied my moaning quota for the day and called up Morgan to go whinge some more. Got back to my corner at midnight, and was just settling down for a nice as-many-hours-as-I-wanted kip, when I remembered that I'd only done gone promised Parker that I'd go swimming with him at 6 in the sea. I valiantly set my alarm for 05:45.

Thankfully (?) I had a broken sleep so it was fairly easy to get up. Starfish was less foreboding than last time, and the inky blackness was less so - though the phytoplankton were mysteriously not present. Nothing like a good dose of e.coli before breakfast anyway. Planning to skim the layers of clothing off my floor and get Heather to cut my hair today. 

H

ps. I made a photography blog for my totes trendy piccies. 

pps. I'm going to Thailand on Saturday isn't that odd and worth noting. Mocks have destroyed my ability to contemplate the future. Let's just hope that this time I don't lose the will to live whilst there.

Readiculous

The can't in my Hannah Can't Read has gone. I have my reasons. My 15 year old sister (though perpetually the cooler of the Reads I hasten to assure you) recently changed her facebook name to Clodagh Readiculous. Being a mature 18 year old who buys expensive cheese as a manic act of opulence on the mid mock weekend, the can't was already on its last legs. Upon the incidence of the family bad pun integrated facebook name spot becoming taken, well, it was a tough goodbye but not quite equatable to the Bridget Jones emotion spectrum.

Opulence and project hot breakings (I have two MOS apple pies and mindless yoghurt popping bubba fro-yo to hold accountable for that plural) aside, this weekend has been glorious. Heather taught me the intricacies of her culture (lol poi) and took photos of the awful faces I pull when I'm concentrating. It was lots of fun and I did no maths at all and she did no Chinese and we cut up a bikini we found in the art room to make me a set. I accidentally took a video of us and though its a 7 minute gem of Heather burning her hands on molten nylon and me aimlessly twirling a single poi yoke around happy as Larry to the Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare, it would probably be perceived by those who do not have 7 minutes spare to watch a poor quality video of a humdrum wad of nothing as a right hape of shite. 

It being a very sunny day and I bumming around with hetzy and then making good aul wholesome food with dilly and laurita made me do all my summer daydreaming. The kind of February ERMAHGERDSUMMERRR will be da bestest bring on july 2kaii13 lad kinda feels. I'm buzzin to get back to Bulmers and baths and Bulmers in the bath and drinking MILK from the carton like the bogger I truly am. These dreams of Centra own brand low fat two litre bottles have to be accompanied by some kind of choons and mar sin I have been enjoying the birthday playlist I made for the most reverend queen of eyebrows traytray-d and also a Jape//David Kitt binge the past few days. 

Pure claaaaaaaaass.

Living the high life: Selfies in bed

I have not posted since September 4th. This does not mean that I have spent 5 months doing nothing of note, but that I have been busy crawling through the thick slime of physics, chemistry and unmentionable acronyms associated with the IB. I'm not exactly through it yet, but because I have mocks in two days and have already tidied my corner, played as much Blokia solitare as one can handle, listened to too much Missy Elliott (which for me is quite impressive, I can go for days on "Work It"), I figured that the only reasonable form of procrastination would be to slink sheepishly back here.

Also Ruth made me guilty with the return of A Healthy Kind Of Vanity and Áine and Verity will be happy.

5 months is a lot of material to prioritise.

My hair was blonde and I went to see Azealia with wondrous bagel-making Apoorva. My hair was ginger for a day and I wore Chris' hat for a day. My hair was brown and I took selfies in bed.

I developed a passion for internet petitions and have saved sharks, Ecuador and Cardiff Riding School.

I went to Taiwan with Maddie for a week, where we moaned about the single life, went for bike rides, drank so much bubble tea that I wouldn't be surprised if there was a helluva lot of bubbles still left in my system, went to the most incredible natural hot springs in the middle of a deserted gorge (save for Zi, whom we had to shake off by pretending to be on our years anniversary holiday), and made friends with the mongolian chain smokers in our strange bedsit excuse for a hostel.

I went travelling for 3 weeks by land across South East Asia from Hong Kong to Kuala Lumpur (and will probably write a whole 'nother post about that) with my fellow raggle taggle gypsies Maddie and Dorte.

I bought embarrassing amounts of hideous clothing and became a sumo wrestler for a night.

I adopted some children and made Dilene's life a living hell.

 I raised my first year to like Hui Lau Shan H1 large and she raised me to better music taste and clothing badassery. (Cue Billy Idol's Dancing With Myself).

I turned 47 18 and now listen to ridiculous amounts of BBC radio 4 and occaisionally go to the gym. This is in accordance with PROJECT HOT ROOM 2/307 and THE COLLARBONES SHOWDOWN JASON V. HANNAH. I went swimming with Bara in Starfish Bay before Trevor's morning block and the only light was from the phytoplankton which made our arms and legs fluorescent blue. That has made my "best Thursday 6am in my whole life ever" slot.

Paula valiantly tried to teach me how to move my hips, but I have found that my talent lies in dragon boating and amateur photoshopping.

James is really hot.

I am sorry for neglecting this little corner of the interwebs for so long, and during these next two weeks of moderately important exams I promise you I will update far too regularly.

h